It wasn't hard to spot the thief. While most in the outdoor café were trying to look normal, several were nodding their heads toward the offender, a man in his mid-twenties, with a woman who looked very uncomfortable.
"So it stands to reason that if that government is best which governs least, then the government that is best governs not at all, you can see that, can't you?" he was pontificating at her, and by her look of consternation, she clearly knew that he was stealing. Not that she was silly enough to tell him, any cautions she had gave him before had been ignored, and she was just letting him alone till help could arrive.
She looked at Officer Adams, her eyes held a silent appeal. Seeing her look behind him, the thief stopped, looked around and grinned sardonically. "Oh, the law! What are you here for, Officer? Some running dog capitalist call you up in a snit? Well, a new day is coming, one where one doesn't have to pay every fat cat every time you want to express yourself!"
The woman, feeling safer in the presence of an Officer, snorted in contempt, got up from her chair with a jerk, and said, "Communist!" before turning to exit the area. Her otherwise beautiful exit was ruined, though, as Officer Adams had to call out, "Please ma'am, we'll need a statement from you!" to which she waved a hand and grudgingly sat down at the other end of the café.
"You, sir", said Officer Adams, "Have been reported for theft and are under arrest. Please stand up and come with me." The young man looked at him contemptuously and said, "You even know who I'm stealing from?"
Officer Adams said, "No, sir, I do not, but on the way over it was said that this wasn't your first offense. In fact, it said you'd been trespassed off this very subject. Though Ree Ah OO, yes?" Several in the crowd tittered and the man's grin of contempt grew broader. "It's Thoreau!" he said, pronouncing it "Thur-row". "And doesn't the owner have to complain?"
"I did!", yelled an older Asian woman who just got out of a car. "I did, after seven earlier complaints! And having you formally trespassed! I didn't hear it this time, but when some of the customers called the AmLit Title Company, they called me and the police at the same time! It's over, I've had it!"
"You're Henry David Thoreau? My, my, my, this changes the histories! An Asian woman! And you sure don't look 201 years old! Heck, you don't look a day over 190!", the young thief jeered. The woman, who was in her sixties but striving to look in her forties, flushed. Officer Adams said, "That'll be enough of that!" and turning to the woman said, "Ma'am, do you have ID?"
"Yes, Officer", she said. "Here. And the title number is ALHT1817CD742932047!" Officer Adams scanned her ID, which said Soon Yee Pappenheimer-Moo. Officer Adams raised his eyebrows at that, but passed her ID back. The title number pinged back, and yes, she was the heir to the Intellectual Property known as "the Collected Works of Henry David Thoreau", including the one in question, "Civil Disobedience".
He placed the cuffs on the young thief and started patting him down. He said, almost conversationally, "It checked out, it's her property, so you're probably going to be in a bit of trouble over this. Try to keep from making any more in the meanwhile!"
The thief snorted. "How, Officer? How can she be the heir when Henry David Thoreau had no children, eh? Eh?" Officer Adams started to answer but Soon Yee interrupted him. "Young man, Henry left that property to Ralph Waldo Emerson, who passed it down to his daughter Edith, who passed it down to her son Ralph Emerson Forbes who passed it down to his daughter Pauline Forbes who having died childless, the property went to an illegitimate heir of her late husband, Alwin Max Pappenheimer, Jr., that child of his being - me!"
The crowd applauded. Like most, they hated thieves and enjoyed seeing one get his comeuppance. The thief was just shaking his head. "You couldn't just let title lapse, could you? Had to file a last ditch claim in probate, huh? Anything to be able to coast without working, the whole of your sorry life, living off of the work of another. You memelords! Everyone of you rotten and lazy to the core!"
Officer Adams pushed him roughly to the squad car, waving off aid from other Officers now arriving at the scene. "That'll be enough of that. Get in, you!" As he pushed the thief in the back, the thief started yelling out, "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong can give it a superficial appearance of being right!" The cop looked at Soon Yee questioningly but she shook her head.
But another woman yelled out! "Thief! Thief! That's Thomas Paine!" Officer Adams said, "We got it, ma'am, we got it!" and turning to the thief said, "Listen you, it's all being recorded, and the Police Scholars will be going over all of it! C'mon, don't give me too much paperwork, let it go and save yourself a few years in prison! Heck, you knock it off now, then even with your priors you might get off with probation!"
And with that Officer Adams shut the door, but not before hearing the thief starting to yell, "We hold these truths to be self-evident! That all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain - " and at the close of the door mercifully only muffled sounds could be heard, with the squad car camera recording it all. He turned to the other Officers, who were all smiling.
"First collar, huh, rookie!?" said Sergeant Danns, a cop with 20 years in who was counting the days till his retirement. "Not a rookie any more, though, eh?" said Officer Makinen, a woman Officer who often had a pretty big chip on her shoulder but now was looking at him almost affectionately. Two other Officers who had responded just gave him pats on the shoulder and went back to work.
Officer Makinen went to collect statements, and Sergeant Danns said, "Okay, you did good, kid, but you made a mistake, too. Instead of talking with him at all, you needed to get the muffler on him as soon as you had the cuffs on. A good lawyer could argue that the subsequent thefts, while he was in your custody, were on you for failing to follow procedure!"
"Now, hey, wait...what?" sputtered Officer Adams, but Sergeant Danns quickly held up his hands in a "hold on, hold on" motion. "Listen", the Sergeant said kindly, "It'll be okay. It's your first, no one expects perfection. And truth is, this jack handle probably won't even have a paid mouthpiece, and you can bet no Public Defender is going to burn a calorie bringing any of that up. But we have those mufflers for a reason, so next time, don't just have it collecting dust in your squad car, have it on you, and wrap up his mouth with it as soon as you can!"
"Yeah, okay, Sarge", a chastened Officer Adams said. "I get it. Just got eager, I guess! Won't happen again, I promise!" "I know, kid, I know!" replied the Sergeant in a fatherly manner. "I remember my own first collar, way back when, it was an English Prof gone mad and I never heard so much unattributed Hamlet in my life! Let me tell you..." and Officer Adams inwardly groaned as Sarge steered him over to his own car, so he could tell the whole tale, which if experience had taught the now former rookie anything, could be easily 20 minutes!
Meanwhile, in Officer Adams squad car, the thief was still yammering, going on and on about the failure of the country to ratify something called "the Bill of Rights" and spouting more and more quotes from various of the Founding Fathers that had tried for that addition to the Constitution. The last few who hadn't already wandered away clicked a few more pictures, then left him to his own words, for him to steal without an audience.
Well, no audience except the unwavering eye of the squad car camera, still recording it all.
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